Cell Phones Are Meant To Harm You
by mysoxlike2party
Summary: Okita gets a new cell phone and can't stop using it.


**Anime**: Gintama  
**Rating**: M, For language, and themes that are being suggested.  
**Warnings**: Language, I think a bit OOCness in Okita, but then again, I truly believe he would become like this over a cell phone.  
**Disclaimer**: Don't own Gintama, thank god!  
**Notes**: My 3rd story to be published here. I don't think this is the best I _could_ have done, but whatever. I believe this is fanfiction material, though. I'm a fan, and this is a work of fiction!

* * *

An important Shinsengumi meeting was happening tonight, and Sougo wanted to make sure he came on time for once... or remember to be there at all.

"Vice Commander, look... I put a reminder on my phone about the Shinsengumi meeting. It'll ring to remind me to go at 7 o clock! That's so nifty." Said Sougo to Hijikata.

"You shouldn't need a reminder to go... your the 1st freaking Division Captain. It's a shame you need to be reminded by a piece of hard plastic with a _pikachu_ charm attached to it." Commented Hijikata.

"Oh, look at this Vice Commander... you can assign a ring-tone to it! Ooooh... I got a whole list to choose from."

Hijikata sighed. Sougo just got his first ever phone and like anyone else who got a new phone, they won't stop using it.

"Ahahaha. This one's funny, Vice Commander. The ring-tone is a cute little chick tweeting. Tweet tweet!" Sougo played the cute ring-tone. This just irritated Hijikata.

"Oh, look... I can buy ring-tones too. I'm gonna shop for some." He said to himself. "_Hit me baby one more time_!" He sang. "Oh yea. Buying that one."

Now Hijikata was getting really irritated by the random ring-tones Sougo was playing. They were, supposed to be on patrol, but Sougo was, as usual, neglecting his duties. Suddenly there was a loud beep.

"What was that?" Asked Hijikata.

"Apparently someone just texted me." Announced Sougo. He laughed out loud.

"What?" Asked Hijikata.

"Kondou just sent me a picture of what looks like a pink dick walking. Disgusting, but funny."

"The hell?"

"Hmmm, it looks like yours, Vice Commander." Said Sougo rubbing his chin.

"W-WHAT? You're out of your fucking mind! And how the hell would you know?" Cried Hijikata.

Ignoring Hijikata's question, Sougo continued to play with his phone. Hijikata had one, but he rarely used it. I mean, it's in his jacket right now but he really has no use for it other than calling someone when he needs backup or something. Purely job related, no personal phone calls really.

"Put your phone away Sougo, you're on patrol for Christ's sake." Hijikata Advised. "I better not see that thing during the meeting tonight."

"Oh you have my word, Vice Commander." Said Sougo not even looking up from his phone's screen, in that tone of voice that's hard to determine whether he's being sarcastic or not.

Later, Sougo was with some other Shinsengumi co-workers when his phone began to ring.

**_When I'm not with you I lose my mind, Give me a siiiiiiiiiiiign, Hit me baby one more time! _**

Everyone looked up from what they were doing and looked around the room to see where that odd music was coming from.

"Oh Em Gee." Said Sougo to himself. " I totally forgot. TTYL, BFFS." He said, putting his phone in his pocket.

"Where you going, Sougo?" Asked a Shinsengumi member.

"To a Shinsengumi meeting, but this is only for the Division Captains. So you guys are totally OOL."

"You're OOC!" Said a member back to him.

" Lol. G2G!" He left leaving the rest of the Shinsengumi that was with him utterly confused and slightly disturbed.

He began walking towards the meeting. His phone made a beep sound and he immediately pulled it out of his pocket and flipped his phone open.

"Oh no she didn't." He said to himself. The tip tapping sound of his fingers texting were going at an incredibly fast rate. It's only been one day with his new phone and he can already text God knows how many words per minute.

He finally arrived to meeting. He got there 5 minutes early actually. Hijikata spotted him.

"Ah, Sougo! You're early. That's so unlike you." He commented. There was a beep sound, followed by Sougo pulling his phone out once again.

"Sougo, what did I tell you..." Warned Hijikata.

"Chillax, Hiji. The meeting hasn't even like, started yet." Said Sougo.

"Hey Sougo, did you get my text?" Called out someone from the other side of the room.

"Yea."

"Can you believe Becky text-message broke up with him?"

"What a bitch. Just wait what I'll post on her HiSpace page."

"I'm sure I'll L-m-a-o!"

"Will you two shut up? I can't even understand what you two are saying!" Snapped Hijikata.

"L-M-F-A-O. Hijikata-san, I'll B-R-B."

"Hey!" He said, grabbing Sougo by his jacket.

"VC." Said Sougo.

"VC?"

"Duh. VC. My B-F-F calls. C U in 2."

Sougo broke free from his grasp and walked over to the washroom.

"VC? BFF? C U IN 2?" Cried Hijikata. "DAMN YOU, TEXT LINGO!"

Sougo returned back just as the meeting began to start. Everyone took a seat. Hijikata stood up and announced, "The meeting will now start. If you have not already turned off your cell phone, beeper, or any other electronic device, please do so now. Now then, Commander, you can begin." Kondou rose and opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted by a beeping noise. Everyone turned to the source. Sougo hurriedly opened his phone.

"Sougo..." Grumbled Hijikata, annoyance oozing from him.

"Sorry Big Cheese, you can talk now." Said Sougo, putting it in his pocket.

"...Okay. Now then, I—"

**_When I'm not with you I lose my mind, Give me a siiiiiiiiiiiign, Hit me baby one more time! _**

"OH, WHAT NOW?" Cried Hijikata.

"Oh. It was a reminder to remind me to put my phone on vibrate for the meeting." Said Sougo. "Now I remember! _Man_ are phones useful."

Even though Sougo had set it to vibrate, throughout the whole meeting, you can still hear the oddly loud vibration coming from Sougo's phone. Sougo did not pull out his phone, he simple ignored it, but the vibration continued. Sometimes it was 2 short little vibrations. VVBBBBTTT VVBBBBTTT . Sometimes it was 3. VVBBBBTTT VVBBBBTTT VVBBBBTTT. Sometimes 1. VVBBBBTTT. And other times it was one very long vibration. . Or several. . . . With each VVVBBBTTT, Hijikata's hatred towards phones grew. When the meeting finally ended, Sougo whipped out his phone, and began checking out his messages, missed calls, and alerts. Hijikata just wanted to snatch the phone from Sougo and throw it into the lake.

Weeks later, Sougo still wouldn't take his eyes off his phone. With each passing day, Hijikata's rage grew and grew. He practically lost his 1st Division Captain to a piece of plastic. Some days Sougo would not even talk to Hijikata. He even stopped attempting to kill Hijikata completely. All his attention would go towards his beloved phone. That phone was apart of him. It was like a vital organ to him. Hijikata would never forget the day Sougo misplaced his phone...

* * *

It was beautiful day. Not a cloud was in sight, the breezes felt great, and the air was calm. Hijikata hasn't felt this mellow since... well, ever. He sat back on his chair, put his feet on the desk, and sighed loudly. He closed his eyes slowly. Silence. Everything was perfect until Sougo slammed the door open, looking extremely stressed. Hijikata's eyes flashed open and stared at Sougo.

"M-M-M-M-M-M-M-Y..." He stuttered, "M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-Y..."

"Your what?"

He grabbed Hijikata and threw him out of the chair. He looked under the chair, on the chair, behind the chair, in the chair, and anywhere else on the chair.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Cried Hijikata.

"I was sitting right here... right here... oooooooooooohhh..." Sougo sobbed. He pulled out all the drawers in the desk and emptied them. Hijikata watched in horror as Sougo destroyed everything he touched. He didn't stop... until he reached the bookshelf. He suddenly froze. And slowly reached inside the bookshelf... and pulled out his cell phone. Tears welled in his eyes. He baby talked to the phone for a bit then put it in his jacket pocket. His facial expression was back to normal. He looked at Hijikata and said "You should really do something about this room. It's pretty disgusting. How can you live like this, VC?" He then walked out, whistling a tune.

* * *

Hijikata wanted to kill the man who ever created the cell phone. He seriously wanted to kill him. He had to do something. Sougo was not himself anymore. Sougo had turned into a **teenager.**

"Wait, he _is_ a teenager..." Said Hijikata to himself. "No, he's turned into the worse type of teen... the 16 year old. Good God. The phase where you think the whole world revolves around you and you think everyone around you wants to have sex with you... when you're phone is your second heart and your boyfriend is the only one you would save in a nuclear holocaust. Where your parents are the devils themselves and your little brother can fall into the river for all you care... the phase where social networking sites are the only sites you'll ever surf through on the internet. And, worst of all... " Hijikata paused and gulped. "You stay like this... till someone slaps the taste out of your mouth and opens your eyes."

And Hijikata was not going to allow Sougo to continue acting like a 16 year old. No way no how. He could not just sit there and watch Sougo get closer and closer to the red zone. He had a duty as a VC.

"And this VC is going to do his job as a VC." Said Hijikata.

And that's when he did it. He slapped the taste out of Sougo's mouth and opened his eyes. He done did it. He threw Sougo's phone into a cage of hungry lions. The lions ripped it apart and growled at them.

"..."

"I'm so glad we got to go to the zoo." Said Hijikata.

"..."

Sougo looked at his empty hand.

"Wow..." He muttered, "So this is what the palm of my hand looks like..."

"Yes. Now that your phone is out of the way, you can now see your palm." Said Hijikata. He put his arm around Sougo and said, "I know it was hard... you've been with your cell phone for so long it's hard to see your life without it. But you and I both know your cell phone was giving you nothing but trouble. Do you realize how much data you were using? How many texts you sent? Things you've downloaded? You barely had enough money left to feed yourself. You starved."

Sougo stayed quiet.

"It's over. You're free." Said Hijikata.

"I can't..."

"Yes you can!"

"No, I really can't... I'm on a two year contract."

Hijikata froze.

* * *

"I'll pay you back Vice Commander." Said Sougo to Hijikata as they walked out the mobile phone store.

"Man, the termination fee is really something else isn't it..." Groaned Hijikata, looking at his empty wallet.

"But I did it." Said Sougo proudly, "I terminated it. I got my life back."

Hijikata smiled. Never in all his life was he ever proud of Sougo. But now he was. Sougo was now out of the abusive relationship of him and his cell phone.

Ever since the termination of the contract, Hijikata has noticed Sougo was eating better, doing his job like he should, and just being a good person. And what was even better, Sougo had gone back to his hobby of trying to assassinate his Vice Commander. A sign that he was truly healthy again.

"Oh Vice Commander, can you c'mere for a second?" Asked Sougo.

Hijikata walked towards him when suddenly an explosion erupted from the floor, just missing him.

"Stupid defective minefields..." Muttered Sougo. Hijikata smiled. Really great to have him back.

* * *

"I really like days like these, Sougo." Said Hijikata, enjoying the beautiful day out. He looked down and saw his reflection on the sparkling river water.

"So do I." Said Sougo, in that voice of his that's hard to determine whether he's being sarcastic or not. Suddenly there was a loud bang behind them. They both turned around to find a man picking up a phone he dropped.

"Oh, that must have broken it." Said Hijikata as the man dusted off his phone.

"Nah. Not even a scratch." Said the man.

"Impossible."

"Oh, but it's true!" Exclaimed the man, "At least with the new J-Phone 4!"

"_The new J-Phone 4_?" Repeated Hijikata and Sougo at the same time.

"Yup! This gem of a phone here is **indestructible**. Look!" The man threw his J-Phone onto the floor with such force it dented the ground. He picked it up, unlocked the screen and flipped through it as if it were brand new.

"Can survive anything! Love this phone!" He expressed.

"Yea, well, I'm not really a big fan of techy phones, so that doesn't really matter to me." He noted.

"Can it survive _bazooka explosions_?" Asked Sougo.

"Sure!"

"S-Sougo? You're not interested, are you?" Stuttered Hijikata. He finally got Sougo out of his ridiculous cell phone phase, and he was not about to let it happen again. Sougo has a phone, all Shinsengumi members are required to have one, but this one is issued by the Shinsengumi itself, and it's free. No texts, no web, purely for calling, on the job use. If you want all those extra features, you have to actually pay for them, or get yourself a phone of your own.

"I can't tell you how many times I've had to get a replacement phone for when I bazooka'd someone. Or someone bazooka'd me. The warranty only goes so far, ya know?" Explained Sougo.

"Oh, your J-Phone 4 will be safe. In fact, their having a sale right now!" Announced the man.

Hijikata had to do something, and fast. Sougo was in the yellow zone, and if left alone, could go right back to the red zone.

"J-Phone 4, J-Phone 4, J-Phone 4, J-Phone 4, must have the J-Phone 4..." Chanted Sougo, as if he were being hypnotized.

So Hijikata did what a good Vice Commander would do. And bazooka'd him on the spot. It left Sougo and the strange man hospitalized for a bit, but it was for Sougo's sanity, and his. The explosion left Sougo with a broken arm and burnt skin. It left the man with a broken leg.

However the J-Phone 4 was left on the ground completely unscratched. Later that day Yamazaki came whistling down the road when he saw something shiny on the floor.

"Hey, is that a phone? Oooooh, it's a J-Phone! And it's brand new! Man, what a lucky find! I'll just pick this up and— Ewwww... there's blood on it. . ."

* * *

Abrupt ending? I honestly had no idea how to end it, and I thought this was the only and best way... and I got to throw Yamazaki in here again. Yay! Oh and the ring-tone that played in the story twice was obviously 'Hit me baby one more time', by Britney Spears, if you did not know that already. Review if you want, hope this entertained you somehow.


End file.
